when you realize you’ve been practicing your singing and instrument playing for years, only to realize you’re not gonna go anywhere with it.

not a bad feeling, nor a bittersweet feeling.. rather a relieving feeling, knowing that you do music for the joy of it.

and thats why it sucks. because we can’t do anything about it

both goals are ultimately the same: lowered pride, meaning they both hurt. but they’re different. very different.

isn’t immunity supposed to be a good thing? like being immune to a disease, or when you’re playing mario and you get a star, you’re immune to everything. and it’s a good thing. you can’t die (unless you fall off into a pit).

but i feel like i’ve grown immune to this concept called love. after all these silly high school flings and crushes, i actually feel like i’ve lost the ability to feel, express, and receive love. and this is not a good thing, is it? it’s like i picked up a star, but i’m waiting for the timer to run out. i don’t want to be immune to this kind of thing.

or could it just be indifference? apathy? i don’t necessarily feel like love is absent from my life, but it is just difficult.. if that can somehow makes sense. i feel like pride has way too much to do with it. my ol’ narcissistic self struggling with pride, and i honestly cannot seem to figure out what to do about it. maybe i can start by getting myself back on track with God? but how? is there any sort of method i can use in order to humble myself down? how can i look past the apathy that “blinds” me? help.

i feel so bad for a lot of the people that care about me because i probably hurt them to a certain extent due to my inability to acknowledge that i care about them. but i do. honestly, i think about all my friends back home so much, and i’m so scared of the fact that we are inevitably going to go in our own direction. maybe THAT’S what’s holding me back. dunno, but i wish i can relearn how to express my emotions. especially to my parents. sigh.. you enter college just to learn new things about yourself, forget old things about yourself, and question everything else about yourself.

god, this blows.

is it worse losing someone without knowing what went wrong or is it worse losing someone knowing everything that went wrong?

Almost two years ago, I received my first ever laptop. For my whole childhood, I was never allowed to have a computer in my room, or use it without having to call my parents to type in a ‘password’ that gained access to any sort of usage of the computer. The day my dad told me that I was allowed to get a laptop, I was ecstatic to the point that I canceled all my plans with friends just to research what laptop I wanted.

But my dad bought me a 200 dollar laptop. He told me it was a very expensive laptop, but it did not turn out to be expensive (at least in comparison with other laptops of course). I was a bit disappointed at first, but I was happy with the fact that I got my very first laptop. It might have been a bit slow but it still worked and I was able to use it whenever I wanted.

After a year of playing games on the lowest of graphics and still facing lag, I realized how inefficient my laptop was. But my parents taught me to appreciate everything given to me, especially the things they gave me. A year after my freshman year, my dad went on a bought a 700 dollar laptop for himself. I thought, “Wow, he definitely doesn’t play Starcraft II.. why do I still have this laptop when he bought something more expensive than my ‘expensive’ laptop?

I don’t deserve this.

I went on ahead and bought a new laptop. A gaming masterpiece. A decent price. I went on and lied to my parents saying that it was amazing for the price (in which I lied about the price as well saying it was cheaper than it actually was), but they were furious. They said I shouldn’t have bought the laptop without talking about it with them. The weekend my dad told me he bought his laptop, I overheard him and my mom considering giving his laptop for mine. He knew my laptop wasn’t that great, and so he bought his laptop for that purpose.

But I wanted my new gaming laptop. I bought it before my parents bought theirs, but I didn’t tell them I had it until after I found out they had purchased a new one. I lied and said I ordered it the week after they bought theirs. They told me to cancel it, so I ‘canceled’ it, and I do not have that laptop in my possession anymore.

I came home today after a dreadful amount of traveling the past two days. I was exhausted and at the verge of falling into a night-long coma, but my dad wanted to talk to me. He started lecturing about how I shouldn’t recklessly be spending my money and all this jibjab. I thought it was nonsense. I thought it was unfair how he was able to buy a great laptop, despite the fact that I knew he considered giving it to me.

I rebelled and told him my side. I cried. I told him that he shouldn’t be giving me all the good stuff when he clearly wants good stuff on his own. He doesn’t deserve the trash that I used that is barely functioning, yet so valuable to him. He deserves good stuff once in a while too. I told him I don’t know how to show love to him when he always does this to me. I shouldn’t be the one receiving the love all the time.

He told me that as long as I live a good life and I accept his love, that is me showing him love. He cried. He held back, but he cried. He probably never heard me say anything so heartwarming to him before. It must have just shocked him. I felt so guilty because I lie to him all the time, and I put myself before him all the time. It just isn’t fair. We hugged it over: the first real hug I got from him since I was 6 years old.

I wrote all this on my new laptop.

I don’t deserve this.